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Changing Enabling Behaviors
The intensity of enabling behaviors is determined by a variety of factors. For example, if you were raised in a dysfunctional family, your tendencies to adopt enabling behaviors or renew other codependent behaviors may be more easily triggered by a current crisis or continued stress. If you are a parent of a chemically dependent child, enabling may come easily because of your ongoing role as a caregiver. If the chemically dependent individual is in the earlier stages of the disease and you have identified beginning enabling behaviors, the behaviors may not be firmly established and therefore may not be difficult to change.
How to Change Enabling Behavior
When we begin to identify and change our behaviors, they don't just disappear all at once. Recovery and changing takes time and practice, practice, practice. With this in mind, we can look at some examples of changing enabling behaviors.
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Stop making excuses to others for situations or problems that are caused by the drinking and using of the alcoholic or addict. Do not phone the employer to excuse him/her from work. Do not make up stories to others about why the addict/alcoholic was unable to keep obligations such as showing up for the family reunion or missing your 10-year-old daughter's dance recital.
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Refuse to lie.
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If the chemically dependent person makes a mess, such as being physically ill or tearing up the living room, do not clean it up. Allow them to see the damage and result of their actions.
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Do not bail them out of jail.
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Do not pay bills you are not responsible for in areas that do not affect your safety or basic well being. Do not pay for the new TV he/she purchased. Do pay your phone and electric bill.
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Do not continue useless arguments. Go to a movie, take a walk, read a good book, or go to a support group meeting.
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Do not make threats you are not 100% willing to back up with appropriate actions. Example: I'm leaving and you'll never see me or the kids again!
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If safe and appropriate, discuss your concern with the person in a non-emotional way.
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Find a support system. This may include or be a combination of Al-Anon, CoDA, Nar-Anon, a sponsor, codependency treatment, private therapy or counseling, a spiritual advisor or minister, or trustworthy friends.
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When you begin to change your enabling behaviors it is helpful to have a sponsor in an organization such as Al-Anon, or a private counselor or therapist, who is familiar with your individual circumstances. They can be key to achieving positive changes in you.
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